I’m Cool Like That

There are some things in life that are inherently uncool: Taking advantage of people who trust you. Farting at the dinner table. Bad tipping. Posting pics of people on facebook without asking them first. But there are other things in life that are only uncool for some people. For those who can work it, well, they MAKE it cool. Think Debbie Harry and her dark roots, Andre 3000 in a bowtie, Steve Martin playing the banjo. They work it like Hilary at a fund raising rally. It takes real chutzpah to make the uncool cool. And i LOVE it when i see someone do it!

But today… Today i am thinking about those things that i either wish were cool or wish i could rock hard enough to make cool. Things i do without thinking, they are so much a part of me, that embarrass my children and become the subject of funny family stories. So here they are: Momma Hol’s list of Stuff That Should Be Cool…

1. Dancing in the supermarket. I can’t help it. The background music gets inside me and my legs start to bounce. Before i know it, i’m standing in the pasta aisle practicing the electric slide as i push my cart. Sometimes i just channel Bert and do the Pigeon. I have seen and heard people giggle. Rather than feeling stupid, i choose to view my contribution to their laughter as adding sunshine to their day. And that is cool. FLASH MOB AT THE PIGGLY WIGGLY! EVERYONE DO THE HUSTLE!

2. Moderate hoarding. I wish people came to my house, saw the obscene number of books, yarns and tea (my top weaknesses) and said, “Man, she is AWESOME! It’s like Granny’s attic in here! How cool is that?!” I realize that is unlikely to happen, but a girl can hope.

3. Penny loafers. They were cool once. How hard can it be to bring them back? I love my Bass loafers. They are comfy. They look very New England prep (which my weedlings seem to think is synonymous with “dorky”). I won’t give up wearing them. Even if they never come back. Blame it on New England of the 70s and 80s. Or blame it on my dubious fashion sense. But i still wish they were cool.

4. Wrinkles. Even if i had Madonna’s plastic surgeon, i’d still have lines. I have spent more money than i care to admit trying to erase them, but like rumors of Tom Cruise’s sanity, they refuse to go away. Now, i admit, there are wrinkled people who are cool: Sean Connery, Judi Dench, Morgan Freeman… But they are cool in spite of their wrinkles, not because of them. (Ok, i admit, i’d settle for in spite of too). But wouldn’t it be fantastic if aging was just, well, cool? Something to strive for…

5. Random singing. Especially Christmas songs. Yes, i do this. My “go-to” song is, Let It Snow, but i have also been known to break into Born Free or the theme from The Love Boat. Song taste aside, singing makes me happy. I’m not Streisand, but i’m not tone deaf either, so it’s not like i’m gonna hurt anyone’s ears doing it. Usually, people laugh and roll their eyes. Unless they know me, and then they ignore it. Or they are my weedlings, and then they join in. It would be so cool if everyone joined in. Like that old coke commercial at Christmas (You know the one i mean…. And now it is stuck in your head. Ha!)

6. Bum-less-ness. I have tried working out: squats and lunges and bikes. I’ve danced my whole life. I walk. I flex. All to no avail. I’ve got a tiny butt. Ugh. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find jeans that look good if you have no bum? Might as well try to find a self-frying chicken. Pants are made to make butts look smaller or perkier. Make mine look smaller, and from the back, i look like i need a penny collection box on Halloween. But that is only because the world reveres a Beyoncé bum. What if the desirable thing were a rag doll bum? Wouldn’t that be a great change for those of us gluteally bereft? TOOKIS DEPRIVED WOMEN UNITE! Let’s make scrawny butts cool! (And once we accomplish that, lets go for saggy boobs and bunions!)

7. Snoring. I’ve been sitting here for ages and i can’t think of anything that makes snoring sound remotely cool. Maybe i should just beg my kids not to make fun of me for it and hope they take pity.

8. Being a morning person. Some people live for the nightlife, but as i read on an e-card the other day, “I am the life of party… As long as the party ends before 9 O’clock.” I prefer mornings, all fresh and crisp and full of promise. I am one of those who generally wakes up in the morning with a smile on my face. And yes, i usually do it before sun-up. That’s when i’m at my creative and energetic best. Once the sun goes over the yardarm, however, i’m about as peppy as a roadkill possum. It’s unfortunate, since all the good parties and movies start after dark. The morning people of the world, all 23 of us, are unable to give our full enthusiasm. It would be nice, for a change, if all the cool stuff happened in the morning. Liam Neeson is throwing a Charity bash at 9 am on Saturday! And you’re invited! Man, i’d be at all the cool events. Might even get my picture in the social column of the paper. Give the city a chance to see my cool wrinkles in print.

None of these things is ever likely to be cool. But i am. Kinda. Well, a little, anyway. To someone. Somewhere. I mean, everyone is cool to someone, right? But it’s not like it matters. All these uncool things are a part of me. And just like that nasty fish sauce they use in Thai cuisine, the final dish isn’t quite as flavorful without it. A spoonful of sugar may make the medicine go down, but a sprinkling of sea salt makes the caramel more sublime. If i were a wiser person, i’d say that i wouldn’t change any of the things on this list… They help make me who i am. But i’d also have to be a more deceitful person, since i honestly would love to wake up one morning and have a spectacular ass. I can live without it, tho. I have other traits that make up for it. I can’t make the rest of the world suddenly love mornings, but i can pull up next to you at the stoplight and start belting out the songs from Rent, and that might make you smile. Or laugh. At me. But go right ahead. Laugh at me. I can take it. I’m cool like that.

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